We have all had our fair share of airplane mishaps.
They began before potty training, with the wayward spoon and awful attempts at airplane noises that spilled from our parent’s mouths. If we consciously ignore the sheer terror that exists in our gut at the thought of being strapped into a giant floating tube, which somehow defies gravity, we then overcome something far more terrifying.: our fellow passengers.
1. The Baby
Planned to catch up on a few extra Z’s on your connecting flight? Well friend, it’s time for Plan B. How about enjoying the tragic climax scene in Romeo and Juliet? Not this flight you won’t. Instead, you’re privileged to enjoy the screams, shrieks and moans of the teething/hungry/cranky/WHYAREYOUCRYING babies that will make you reconsider ever reproducing.
2. The Friendly
They will not falter in asking you every minute detail about your life. By the end of the flight, they will have discovered why you cried at your 7th birthday party and decoded what your dream last night meant. They will not hesitate in a bit of multiplayer gaming via the in-flight entertainment, and insist you try their beef stew. Just when you think it is all over, think again. Enjoy their hot breath down your neck as your shoulder becomes their makeshift pillow. Lucky you! You’ve found yourself a cuddle buddy.
3. The Selfish
They determinedly struggles for 20 minutes to fit their clearly oversized luggage in the overhead compartment. Hogs the entire armrest, leaving your elbow awkwardly floating Maybe it is a red eye flight and the entire cabin is sleeping due to it being 2 in the morning. But him? His reading light is on, blinding all those within a ten meter radius.
4. The Laugher
This character redefines your understanding of what LOL truly means. Just as you begin to relax as the Valium has begun to kick in, a sound so foreign makes itself heard. Seated 3 seats in front of you, headphones in, their belly laugh vibrates through the cabin. Nothing can prepare you for the physical and mental turmoil the booming laughter will put you through. Your only option is to tune in to the same movie, and join in.
5. The Tinkler
Their bladder is so weak, it would make more sense for their airplane seat to have its own plumbing. Chances are, you’re in the aisle seat, and they have the window. Prepare to sigh with exasperation each time they order a large coke zero. Enjoy awkward fumbling on more than one occasion, as they trip over you in their struggle to not wet themselves.
6. The Scared
Every sound, movement or bump results in panic. If the plane is expecting turbulence, watch out. Your arm will have nail marks as a result and their grip on your hand will render it numb. Their only cure is to look at the flight attendant’s faces in the hopes of calming themselves down. Perhaps combined with a couple of gin and tonics.
We have all experienced one or more of these characters on each flight we’ve embarked on, and will continue experiencing them for as long as we fly. Whilst we have all been the victims, we simultaneously however, have also been the perpetrators. Next time you begin pulling your hair out due to the crying baby or the too-loud laugher, remember that time you thought you could drink an entire jug of orange juice, or freaked out when the plane wheels began to rumble. We are all in this together, so let us be thankful that at least we aren’t flight attendants.
Disclaimer: If you are in fact a flight attendant and we ever meet, drinks are on me. You deserve it.
Article written by Carly Brand.