Now go out there and make me proud.
Just like your newsfeed, good sex needs updates. Instead of winning yourself a third degree burn using a fire-and-ice-ultra-pH-imbalance-gel, having sex outside the bedroom is a great way to explore the uh… ins and outs of a new city.
Which brings me to some tricks of the trade.
1. If you’re going to have sex somewhere that you’re not supposed to be, do it at night. You’d think this is obvious, but some people think that being horny makes them invincible, and invisible. I can assure you, man on the rooftop humping a lawn chair, I can see you (and your white ass).
2. When sneaking into a building or onto a rooftop, be sure both of you are capable of doing so without dying. Risking your life to procreate is so last millennium.
3. Lying down sounds like a good idea, but unless you bring a yoga mat, prepare for both of you to leave with back scratches and bruised knees.
4. Try standing positions. I’m not saying you should lawn-mow across the roof, this isn’t the f*cking Olympics (F*cking Olympics).
5. Easy Position #1: the woman (or receiving man) should put their back to the giver, lean on something, and spread their legs. Not too complicated. The giver then figures out how to get the job done without a thigh-cramp.
6. Easy Position #2: have the woman sit on something at waist level, like a car. The woman can vary the angle she leans back and forward, and either put her legs around the man or put her legs on his shoulders. Just be sure it’s your car first.
7. Use a condom. Even if you’ve been together awhile and use other birth control, there is a certain…inevitable sneeze that is going to take place if things go well, and trying to clean it up sucks. Think of the condom as your clean up committee. And don’t you dare leave it, that’s littering (and gnarly, bruh).
8. Don’t make eye contact with strangers.
9. Bring sustenance. If you’re humping with enthusiasm, you’re going to get hungry. Gatorade has electrolytes but also tastes like nuclear waste. Bring wine instead. And non-crumbly food. Just make it a French theme and bring cheese and a baguette, they’re also easy to run with.
10. Don’t drink a ton of beer before. There are so many disgusting onomatopoeias, I can’t even begin.
11. If you’re going to do it in a body of water, don’t. There’s a reason mermaids don’t have parts.
12. Be careful having sex on unfinished wood. Splinters are real and they will happen, you’re essentially sanding yourself. Lie on a blanket or keep your shirt on and ride it like a surf-boardt.
13. Don’t be afraid to plan ahead. Sure a nice high-school-movie-lets-sneak-outside is spontaneous and hot, but so is a well-planned Bond mission that results in getting it on with a view of the city skyline. Try both.
